


Baby Steps

by EmmmaMmmm



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: British English, British Slang, Eating Disorders, Explicit Language, Food Issues, I think?, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:14:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28581807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmmaMmmm/pseuds/EmmmaMmmm
Summary: Neil Josten was fine. He was always fine. He’d been through abuse, torture and almost actual death, so there was nothing that could get him to say that he wasn’t fine.This, though? This was pushing it a little.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 4
Kudos: 217





	Baby Steps

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't too sure about writing and posting this, because I'm not sure how well-received this is going to be? But I had a bad day today for my mental health and general food issues and writing this was pretty cathartic. Let me know if there's anything you take issues with though, I don't mean to offend anyone. Also let me know if the rating is right, I figured it would be fine as a T but even after months, I'm still getting used to the rating system on here.
> 
> TW: Eating disorders, food issues

Neil Josten was fine. He was always fine. He’d been through abuse, torture and almost actual death, so there was nothing that could get him to say that he wasn’t fine.

This, though? This was pushing it a little.

It had started off in the middle of the night, when he’d been working on an assignment that he’d forgotten was due in the day after. Kevin had headed to bed early, preaching about early nights and early mornings being healthier for you as though he didn’t spend every other weekend getting pissed out of his mind. Andrew had stayed up for a while with him, but even he’d gone to bed about an hour ago.

Neil leaned back in his seat and pressed save as he finished the assignment, letting out a small breath of relief. School was only a secondary issue anyway; Exy was what he had to do and even better than that, it was what he wanted to do.

He looked over towards the beanbags. When they’d moved in this year, they’d brought the coffee table from the Columbia house with them, much to Nicky’s despair, and it was covered now with a mix of Kevin’s notes from practise and various snacks that Nicky and Aaron had brought around yesterday and which Neil didn’t think they were coming back to finish off.

He got to his feet slowly, making as little noise as possible to prevent waking up his boyfriend and his… Kevin. He snatched up the bag closest to him, a crisp wrapper that was still half full of some niche crisps that he’d never seen before. He tried one, and then another. He laid a tissue out across the coffee table and poured half of them out onto it. He ate them, and poured the other half out.

It wasn’t all that much, but as he looked at the crumb-covered tissue and the empty bag, his stomach swirled dangerously, so much so that he thought for a moment that he might throw up. He took a few deep breaths, tilting his head back. He’d gotten used to fending off nausea when he was on the run, when his mother would scream at him from the seat next to him to hold it in. The consequences the one time he hadn’t were enough that he never wanted to make that mistake again.

He felt his hands shaking as he threw away the wrapper and tissue, but he ignored it in favour of brushing his teeth and climbing into the bed above Andrew’s, laying one scarred hand over the edge in case Andrew woke up and forget where he was. He’d gotten into the habit of doing that months ago, when he’d woken up to panicked breathing, followed by gentle fingertips tracing his scars lightly.

His stomach still swirled, but he decided not to think much of it. Not then, before he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, and not the next morning when the sight of Andrew’s bowl of cereal made his stomach swirl again. He poured himself a half-bowl of cereal and ate about half of that, and he pretended not to see the wary glances Andrew flicked between his bowl and his face.

Practise and his classes went by in a blur, so much so that he could excuse himself for the small bowl of fruit he had between two lectures, because everything felt like it was moving too quickly. Maybe it was that he was sluggish and uneasy. When he was heading back towards Fox Tower after everything, he got a sniff of something cooking and had to take a minute to settle his stomach or he thought he might throw up into the gutter.

He arrived back at Fox Tower to loud voices laughing, and they only got louder the closer he got to his room. When he entered, he realised it was because all of the upperclassmen had found a home inside. Matt was kneeling in front of the coffee table with Andrew on the other side, the two locked in a fierce arm-wrestle with supporters on either side. The brief moment of distraction on Matt’s part when he entered the room was enough for Andrew to take the lead, and he slammed his hand down against the coffee table with a loud thud.

Matt flicked his hand, flexing it a little. “God _damn_ , Andrew.”

“You issued the challenge.” Andrew looked towards Neil then, and subtly slid a bowl of snacks in his direction. It was filled, he realised, with more of the food that Nicky and Aaron had left there the other night, and his stomach heaved.

He shook his head. “Had a big lunch.”

Andrew didn’t seem entirely convinced, but he didn’t call it out in front of everyone. Neil shuffled to the bedroom and threw his bag onto his bed, pausing to calculate exactly how he was feeling.

He thought maybe he might be hungry, which made sense after the little he’d eaten today, but when he thought back to any of the food they had, or the options for takeaway, he felt as though he was going to throw up, and pushed the thought aside instantly.

He didn’t think he was overweight, he mused, and took a moment to glance in the mirror. Not, for once, at his auburn hair and blue eyes that were a perfect reflection of his father’s, but instead at his stomach. It wasn’t _flat_ , wasn’t toned and muscular like Kevin’s seemed to be from brief looks in the changing room whilst he was waiting for it to clear out. No, he wasn’t overweight. But he could always look better.

He knew, obviously, that if this was about losing weight, he’d be just eating healthier. This was different; something in his mind just couldn’t stand the idea of food right now.

The door opened and Neil’s gaze flicked up. A second too late, though, because Andrew had definitely caught the considering gaze he’d been sending his reflection.

“Eating is difficult today,” he said quietly, after a moment of strangely uncomfortable silence.

Andrew tilted his head. “How much have you eaten today?”

“The cereal you saw,” said Neil. “Little bit of fruit.”

“We’re ordering pizza,” said Andrew. “Will you eat any?”

Neil calculated again. Pizza, he realised, was really greasy, and the idea was enough to put him off food for the evening. He shook his head. Andrew nodded slowly, then moved forward enough to shut the door behind him.

“Yes or no?”

He was surprised at the way he was conflicted as to the response. Of course he wanted to accept anything Andrew was willing to give him, but he also felt as though his skin was crawling, and he needed to avoid any sort of touch. He tugged at his armbands and shook his head.

“No.”

Andrew nodded. Understanding. Neil hadn’t known what it meant to have somebody know him so intimately before Andrew, and he’d never known how comforting it was to know somebody else so well in return.

“Can you handle some fruit?”

“Probably.”

Andrew nodded and left the room, gone before Neil could say another word. He made to follow but hesitated, grabbing Andrew’s team hoodie before he left and slipping it on. Andrew’s hoodie was pretty much the same size as his, so it usually didn’t matter to him about wearing it, but the arms were slightly wider from Andrew’s habit of reaching in for his knives, and it smelled like him so it filled him with reassurance as he followed Andrew out into the living room.

Or at least he tried to, because once he arrived, he didn’t see him, until he heard footsteps beside him and turned to watch Andrew approach from the kitchen with a bowl in his hand. When he got close enough, Neil looked inside to see a variety of fruits, cut into small pieces. He was filled, quite suddenly, with an overwhelming sense of fondness.

He retreated to his room once everybody started eating their pizza, but he ate the fruit, and he didn’t feel so averse to food once he had. Unlike the previous night, Andrew was the first to enter the dorm, and instead of settling into his own bed, he climbed up and crawled in alongside Neil. There was no demand for him to talk, but Neil did anyway.

“I don’t have an eating disorder.”

Andrew said nothing, but the look on his face said he didn’t really believe him.

“I _don’t_. This isn’t that.” Neil hummed. “I don’t know what it is, it’s not like I wanted to stop eating. I just… couldn’t stomach it.”

“You can say this is fine all you want,” said Andrew. “It was only one day. It wasn’t that bad. You still ate. Doesn’t matter. The way I see it, you were psyching yourself out. If it happens again, you should talk to Bee.”

“No-”

“Neil.” Neil fell silent, feeling safe under Andrew’s protective gaze. “Sometimes you can just eat what you want. It doesn’t matter. It’s not going to change anything.”

He shifted a little, and then let himself relax into the bed. “I think it was a one-time thing. But if it happens again… If it happens again I’ll tell you.”

“Good.” It was the closest Neil thought Andrew had ever come to admitting he cared for his well-being. He wouldn’t push him on it, though. _Baby steps_ , he mused.

The next morning, he ate a full bowl of cereal.


End file.
